What is your hardest day of the week? Mine is Tuesday. My husband leaves early Tuesday morning for three days of work in the city and, if loneliness is going to hit me, it is always that day. It gnawed at me yesterday. I needed somebody else around to anchor me. Even my late cat would have helped. I found myself missing Lalo even more than my husband (sorry, Vic).
I was unaccountably tired, which always makes it worse. When my physical energy is low my psyche goes limp and says what the heck. It is at this point that the freedom of retirement becomes a problem. I need some structure on days like most Tuesdays, some requirements placed on me, at least someone watching what I do, rather than depending entirely on self-motivation, like I am able to do most other days.
On Tuesday I do have the structure of a yoga class, but it happens to be at 10 am, in the middle of what is normally my best writing time. I don’t want to give it up. It is the best yoga class of the week, the advanced class. I can’t always do every posture but there is more variety than in the others and it is fun. I do capitalize on the yoga by going early and staying longer at the Y, walking the track a couple of miles. But yesterday I was having twinges in my right groin and the walking was uncomfortable so I cut it short.
My husband didn’t call in the evening, which is just as well because by then I had nothing to report except an eating binge that began around 4 in the afternoon. Popcorn, my most regressive childhood-alone-time food. A beer. And then half a pizza and two chocolates. All while reading a Michael Connelly police novel. Before watching The Voice. And then more Harry Bosch till bedtime.
One instruction I sometimes follow at the end of such a day is to list five things I did accomplish. So that would be:
- Did every posture in yoga except the one where you sit with one leg extended behind you, bend it and cradle your foot in your arm and then link your hands behind your head
- Walked three-quarters of a mile (though last week it would have been two-and-a-half or three)
- Picked up trash along the road in front of our house and our neighbors’ (though my own kitchen is pretty much a trash zone this morning)
- Ate healthy stuff for breakfast and lunch (not, as I have noted, for dinner)
- Sent off the check for our CSA membership so we’ll have healthy stuff to eat all summer. I will pick up our farm food every Tuesday so washing, juicing, freezing, and salad-making will add structure to Terrible Tuesdays.
I did not write at all, although I prepped for the next bit I’m working on by doing some reading. I always feel better if I add something to whatever I am working on, even if it is just a paragraph. Never mind that I wrote 2000 words the day before; the satisfaction does not carry over.
I don’t know why I am telling you all this except for the same reason I always write honestly, to understand. You can’t understand why you are the way you are unless you look at exactly how you are. Sometimes it is to change, sometimes to accept myself rather than let guilt and self-loathing wear me down.
I don’t know what to do about Tuesday. Maybe make it my own Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday. Have a party, play the fool that I already am.
Anybody want to join me?